On my usual morning commute I was listening to 971 The Ticket, the topic, fantasy football. While for this particular fantasy owner football season is yet another reminder that the two things I love most in this world are coming to and end, summer and  baseball, the masses welcome football season as the beginning of their fantasy hysteria. For the first time last year I noticed the dramatic increase, and possibly even birth of fantasy football advertisements. If you recall the movie Knocked Up, the character played by Leslie Mann was near certain her husband played by Paul Rudd was having an affair. She followed him one day determined to catch him in the act, to her and the audiences suprise, she walked in on him and a group of his friends conducting their live fantasy baseball draft. Priceless. Husbands fear their wives reactions to their intense participation in the world highlighted by the word fantasy, so they shelter their love while being forced into hiding.

Women do not understand how men can experience more pleasure and satisfaction from something other than themselves. Women fear that if a man enjoys something compeltely independent of their existence, they will slowly lose control. It is for this reason women have formed the W.A.F.S., or Women Against Fantasy Sports.

Here is their mission statement:

“WomenAgainstFantasySports, or WAFS, was started by a woman with a dream. A dream that, as promised in the wedding vows she shared with her husband, would involve the daily joys of spending time with her best friend, her confidant, her love. Alas, the advent of fantasy sports has crushed her hopes and desires, thereby making her a widow for months out of each year. In coping, she has found refuge in the world wide web – a place where she can share her griefs, her pains, and her story with other widows. (Thanks for providing the platform, Mr. Gore).

WAFS is dedicated to making sure that all women who suffer from the ill affects of reckless, addicted fantasy sports playing have a place to gather and share their stories, and read the stories of others. In addition, women can break the history of enabling their addict by taking a stand and letting the world know that they won’t take it anymore, perhaps by buying a shirt or two to strengthen their loyalty to those who seek the fall of fantasy sports. Also, it’s a great place for fantasy-addicted men to begin their 12 step program by admitting their addiction and selecting from our store to begin winning their spouse back.”

Is it just me, or does this sound like something out of a Will Ferrell movie? The very existence of such an association means that we have won men. They have formed a coalition to combat our ability to enjoy something that they can have no part in. We do not ask to go shopping with the girls, we feel no need to goto the salon and get our nails done while gossiping over the latest Hollywood breakup, yet you refuse to let us have this one damn thing. Well, in your face. There is, and never will be anything you can do about it. My advice, take a look at a woman named Melanie, girlfriend of one Steve. She has accepted his love and active participation in fantasy sports, and even hopped on board with him. She is the only woman I have ever known to check stattracker. Good for you Mel. Your ways could inspire a nation, hell, world of women to abandon their succubuss ways, and not eternally suffer because of their man’s happiness and pleasure.

I now address the common misconception derived from the name itself, Fantasy Football. We tend to associate the word fantasy with imaginary things like Tinkerbell and Never Never Land. These things only exist in theory outside the stories they were written in with the exception of childrens toys and stuffed animals. Fantasy sports on the other hand maintain an existence so potent an army of succubuss’s went out and formed an association. If fantasy sports do not exist, I should be admitted to a home with padded walls for all the time I’ve managed to let be consumed by well nothing. My anology for fantasy sports is betting on a horse, based on how he does, you either win or you lose. But instead of betting on one horse, you bet on 20, and if you win more times than you lose, you’re probably walking away with more money than the other guy  at the end of the day. Believe me, that doesn’t even do it justice, but it’s an easy concept to grasp.

The only people who should be complaining are employers. Where is the Employers Against Fantasy Sports Association? A private research group estimates that U.S. employers will lose $9.2 billion in lost work due to Fantasy Football. Some might find that figure absurd, obviously they don’t participate in fantasy sports, and if they do, they probably find themselves at the bottom of the barrell year after year.

Men, do not feel the need to hide your passion for the game you love. Imagine if the situation were reversed, do you think women would give away that power? Hell no. They would flaunt it in our faces with high heels, a short skirt, and a smile. In the words of President Thomas Whitmore,

“We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”